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Real Talk: Let's Talk About Sex, Baby



Mam, dad, wider family - I'm sorry if you're about to read this and think it's all a little bit TMI, but today's post is about the hot-topic of sex. Sex is something I believe people should be happy and confident to talk about, not shy away from, and generally be open about. I'm not saying that everyone should and would want to share every last detail about their sexual experiences or their sex lives, but I think feeling free to discuss it with friends, relatives, or partners should be something that is advocated and practiced much more in our society rather that us all being typically British and having a stiff upper lip about it all. Really for today's post I not only wanted to talk about sex generally and how it should be treated as normally as any other topic of discussion, but how sex can be liberating for women, how women shouldn't be treated or received negatively for enjoying it or being open and honest about it, and how we also need to educate ourselves and younger generations so much more than we do currently.

Something I've always found a little bizarre is that women are treated so oddly for enjoying sex and god forbid they talk about it too?! I've started to believe this is rooted in upbringing and the unfortunate way everything is black/white, pink/blue, girl/boy categorised. I caught a conversation a colleague was having with some students a while ago and heard: "Boys do that. But if a girl is sleeping around like that then she clearly is missing something in her life and trying to fill the void". I was stunned. I couldn't believe that someone with so much life experience and influence would say something so damaging - what was worse was that I saw young impressionable female heads nodding along with such a statement whilst the one male-identifying student squirmed in his seat. Sex shouldn't be something people feel shame over and it certainly shouldn't be something that is only a readily accepted topic depending on what gender you identify as. Your sexuality also seems to dictate whether or not it is acceptable for you to dicuss such a topic. Last year I posted a very tongue-in-cheek but painfully true post covering some of the things that have been said or things I've experienced once people learned I am bisexual. In that post, I talked about how identifying as bi means you're often also given the label of being incredibly promiscuous and "greedy" with sexual partners and the negative connotations that go along with those often inaccurate claims.

Sexuality - not just for women but for all - should be something that can be openly discussed that people feel no shame over. What you get up to in the bedroom and out of it is your business, but if you're embarrassed by that business, and you don't feel you want to lie about your sexual partner count etc. then you shouldn't feel you need to. I guess I'll never fully understand why it's accepted and just assumed that a heterosexual male can and does, sleep with 1Oo+ women and that's absolutely fine but if a heterosexual woman was to do the same, she's slut shamed to no end. Which brings me on to my next wee rant: slut shaming.



Slut shaming is fervently still a big problem in our society and whilst I know we can't wave a magic wand and just make it stop, I wish I bloody could do just that. There's still a lot of stigma around what women choose to wear and how they conduct themselves that leads individuals to say "she's asking for it" or "well what did she expect? Dressing/Acting like that?" and there's many many reasons those sort of opinions need to be educated and stamped out. Unfortunately, there's no specific group who are to blame for this shaming and unfortunately for many individuals who identify as a woman, the group responsible can be sometimes be other women. I touched on this a little bit when I talked about internal misogyny and it's always a shame to see it happen. Call me an idealist, but I think all women should support other women, not drag each other down or berate them about their life choices and lifestyles. I know not every woman will be friends and of course, not every woman is going to like each other, but slut shaming is a real issue and it does not need additional support from fellow women who may actually be victims of such a horrible thing themselves.

It seems so acceptable for a man to have a one night stand and wander home the next day in broad daylight. See a woman doing the same and there's tuts, stares, comments... Where it all stems from, I'm not quite sure. One thing I am sure of though is that no one should be made to feel guilty about what they enjoy, how they spend their time, and how they dictate their own sex life. It's yours first and foremost and no one should influence it in any which way except you.

If I haven't said it enough already, I honestly believe sex needs to be openly talked about much more. When we shy away from it, not only does it open up this option for individuals to shame others about it, but it also leads to a lack of education. A big thing for many teens especially is pornography. As a teenager when your hormones are running rampant, porn is commonly something that is explored during that time. So many young people - including myself - are lead to believe that pornography is a true representation of sex and that needs to be challenged not only for safety and consent, but also for self love and your own expectations of yourself. I'm not insulting anyone's intelligence here and suggesting that every teen thinks if the pizza guy turns up and brings the pizza into the kitchen he's going to have a gang bang with all of your family, but what I am saying is that porn can open up a lot of questions for young people and if no one is willing to answer them because it's a topic that shouldn't be discussed, that's when we have a problem. I myself was lead to believe that sex is always rough, involves a lot of saliva, moaning for the sake of moaning if someone so much as brushes past one of your nipples, and pouting. Of course, this may be reality for some individuals, but for the majority? The set up of pornography does not reflect real life. Being comfortable with someone so you might both have a laughing fit during foreplay, the fact that our bodies can make embarrassing noises that are only embarrassing because we didn't know they'd do that until it actually happens... Those sorts of things need to be mentioned and normalised so there isn't this unattainable expectation to strive for.

I think shows which are often on Channel 4 which explore the body, sex, and our reproductive organs etc. are absolute gold not for any entertainment value, but for the sheer fact that at least it's normalising our bodies and desires and making it accessible for people to educate themselves and feel comfortable about it. In the light of so many recent sexual allegations in the media, it's very clear that issues such as consent and what is and isn't acceptable are still huge issues we need to tackle as a society. Not only do we see these issues cropping up time and time again, but we have also had an incredibly large increase in the amount of sexual diseases that are spreading and affecting each younger generation, too. If we treat sex as a common topic, maybe we'd see more individuals who are comfortable with getting treated and speaking to a doctor. Maybe we'd see more people enforce safe sex on their sexual partners because you guys, bare back isn't the only way, that's just what porn makes you believe. Maybe we'd see less teen or unwanted pregnancy if we talked more about contraception openly. And maybe, just maybe, we'd see a society who accepts that if you want to sleep with no one or you want to sleep with 3 different people every day of your life, either or is fine and so is everything in between as long as those involved are safe, consenting, and happy.

I know, I'm getting *all idealist* again.

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